Coulrophobia
by goldenspringtime
Summary: Lucifer bothers Sam's until the real reason he fears clowns comes out. Spoilers for Plucky's Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie.


Disclaimer; I don't own Supernatural.

Summery: Lucifer bothers Sam's until the real reason he fears clowns comes out. Spoilers for Plucky's Pennywhistle's magical menagerie.

Warning: attempted sexual abuse.

Sam ran his hand through his hair again and looked at it. He had washed his hair three times and it still had glitter in it. He sighed then looked again at the book he was reading.

"Lying to Dean again, and I thought you and him had gotten past that." Sam resolutely ignored him.

"Come on Sam you and Dean are so tight now, with the fact he's practically the only glue that

holding you together and isn't that pathetic?" Lucifer said with a roll of his eyes. "I mean he's falling apart at the seams and he's the one supposed to keep your together." Lucifer held his palms up with his elbows bent. " I digress..we were talking about your clown fear. You know what they say, how can you really get over something, when you don't talk about it. Let's talk about Sam just the two of us or if you want you can add Dean into this little conversation, he should know how much he failed in the protecting you category. I mean that why you haven't told him right some misguided attempt to protect his feelings." Lucifer shrugged " but if you won't talk about it with him you can always talk about it with me." Sam couldn't stop from gritting his teeth but he didn't speak to him, he hoped against hope he would stop talking but he was never that lucky.

"It's was a birthday party wasn't it?" Lucifer asked it like it was a question, but he already knew the answer. Sam tried to think of something else but he couldn't. _He was there again. Following the clown. He_ shook himself out of the memory, he didn't want to think about it, that's why he didn't like clowns they always made him think about it.

"Timmy Clark, he never did understand why you wouldn't speak to him after that did he?" _Sam flashed back again his six year old self was talking to another six year old boy._

_ "Sam do you want to come to my party." he remembered smiling being so excited he had never been invited to a party before. _He shook his head.

"You were so glad to leave that school, and even back then you loved it. My question is why didn't Dean or Daddy ever put it together. Especially Dean, I mean he walked to the party and he walked you home and he never figured it out?"

_ Sam and Dean were walking towards home which was at the time a motel, and Sam shivered again, Dean must have felt since they were holding hands because he stopped and turned around and looked at him worried._

_ "Sammy are you okay?" Sam wanted to tell him, he wanted to let it off his chest what had happened because Dean would make it all better but the words the wouldn't come out. _

_ "Sammy what's wrong you've look like you've seen a ghost?" he hadn't known ghost existed then. Dean wanted to know, Dean could fix it. Sam at that age had been so sure that Dean could fix anything. He opened his mouth to tell him and then couldn't. He knew what the man had tried to do was bad ,what if Dean thought he was bad? He couldn't tell him. He was six and shouldn't have been able to lie convincingly but growing up the way he had even though he at the time hadn't know why had given him an advantage and somehow he managed to. _

_ "I'm just not feeling very good." _No! He wasn't going to relive it he was going to keep it buried it the darkest corner of his mind, along with the torment Lucifer had inflicted upon him where it hadn't ended like it had in real life.

"Come on Sam repressing it is unhealthy, and it won't make it go away." Repressing it was the only way he knew how to cope with the memory. He considered waking Dean up, Dean would distract him from Lucifer.

"I agree you should open up to him let it all out." Sam sighed. It was 3 o clock in the morning, Dean didn't exactly sleep very well as it was, he couldn't wake him up especially since he couldn't tell him why he was waking him up. "Tell him about why you don't like clowns the real reason, and not just because Plucky's pizza was bad and Dean left you there to chase tail. The reason you hated Plucky's had nothing to do with either of those it was because of the memories."

_"Here you go." the clown gave him a balloon dog. He had been so happy ,Dean thought clown looked creepy but Sam didn't ,they looked happy and were fun. He looked down at his little yellow balloon dog, maybe when he was old enough he would be a clown and make awesome balloon animals like the clown._ That damn clown he hated that damn clown, he thought furiously he had ruined everything. He had been six years old at his first Birthday party. No, no, no he wasn't going any further on this train of thought.

"Dean was right, clowns are creepy. Why do parents hire them anyways for parties?"

_ He had never seen a clown before, and there was the first clown he had ever saw standing right in front of him. His hair was orange, his face painted white and a big red painted smile along with his real smile aimed at the room. Sam hadn't really been sure what to make of it at first. Dean had said that clowns were creepy looking, he looked at the clown he didn't seem creepy. _ He was wrong. Sam almost begged then to keep him from saying anything else, but he wasn't supposed to talk to him he was supposed to ignore him. It was really hard especially when the memories were nearing the moment the moment, he didn't want to relive. 

"They can hide anything underneath all that makeup."_ The clown's face was starring at him as he went through a variety of jokes. Then Timmy's mother had announced._

_"Time for cake." he had turned to go with the others, towards the other room for the cake when something had his shoulder. _No no he wasn't going to go there but no matter how much he denied it and how much he didn't want to his memory continued where it had left off.

_ He jumped and turned around only to see it was the clown. _

_ "Hey do you want to help me with my next joke? You can be my special helper." Sam had wanted cake and had looked towards the other room where the others were getting cake. _

_ "It will only take a minute. You want to be my special helper don't you?" Sam nodded the clown took his hand and led him into the next room. It was a bedroom Sam looked around trying to find what the clown might want help with, finding nothing he turned back around to the clown. _

_ "You want to help me with my next joke don't you." Sam nodded but still didn't see anything. _

_ "Then I need you to sit on the bed and close your eyes." Sam didn't understand how that would help with any trick but he was a kid. Dean said he didn't understand why he and Dad did a lot of things because he was a kid. So he did. After a few moment he felt breath on his face and opened his eyes to see the clown entirely too close to him. His eyes which had looked so nice and friendly before were transformed into those of a monster. Fear had kicked in then the clown was reaching for the zipper of his pants? What was he doing? He tried to get away but the clown other hand was holding him down.. The clown pulled his zipper down and then the most glorious sound came. _

_ "Mr. Giggles." Tim's mom was calling for him. The clown's eyes darted to him and he growled. _

_ "Don't tell anyone or I'll hurt your family." He got up from the bed and left the room. _

Sam jumped back to the present day. He was older now he knew he had been lucky that Mrs. Clarke had called for him when he did. He knew logically that Mr. Giggles had been a sick man and it was his fault and not Sam's what had happened had happened. But he still couldn't stop the memories coming every time he saw a clown, he still couldn't tell Dean what had happened to him. Partially afraid to admit being weak, even though he had only been 6 at the time and partially because Lucifer was right. He knew that Dean would take it as a failure on his part, his brother always took it as a failure on his part when anything bad happened to him. Also because he had spent so much of his life trying to repress the memories and telling Dean would make the memories real, and then he would have to deal with it and now was not the time to do that not when he was already losing his mind.

"So what about it? Are we going to be having a little heart to heart?" Lucifer asked with excitement. Sam looked at Lucifer then away to Dean. He couldn't tell Dean not tonight maybe not ever.

A/N: I've never tried anything as graphic as this before so please be gentle in that regard and Review please :)


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